# fortunes

date_added: 2016/01/18 00:00:00
fortune:
  There are now 23 nicknames going around for you; None of them are flattering. Tonight you're getting another one.


date_added: 2016/01/18 00:00:00
fortune:
  You will go blind and your penis will shrivel by next week, but all can be prevented by inviting your friends & family to use Discord!


date_added: 2016/01/18 00:00:00
fortune:
  Fortune smiles upon you! Goshzilla will be receiving his BBC into his ass shortly -- AND YOU GOT FRONT ROW SEAT.


date_added: 2016/01/18 00:00:00
fortune:
  あなたのガールフレンドは、あなたの後ろの大きな黒い男とセックスを持っているし、それは非常に楽しんでいます。あなたは3年後、彼女はあなたが仕事であったが、それは毎日起こっている明らかにし、その時点でアウトになるまで見つけることができません。あなたはそこに彼女のためにされていないことをお詫びし、あなたと結婚するために彼女をお願いします。 wwwwwww


# jokes

date_added: 2016/01/18 00:00:00
joke:
  What do you get if you cross an elephant with a poodle?   A dead poodle with an 18 inch wide asshole.


date_added: 2016/01/18 00:00:00
joke:
  How do you know if a Chinese person robs your house? Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the fucker is still trying to back out of your driveway.


date_added: 2016/01/18 00:00:00
joke:
  What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?
  A pair of gloves.
  Nah just kidding, he's still trying to open his gifts.


date_added: 2016/01/18 00:00:00
joke:
  What's the difference between a Pakistani elementary school and an Al Qaeda base?
  I don't know, I just fly the fucking drone, man.


date_added: 2016/01/18 00:00:00
joke:
  A man sees a young boy standing at the side of a cliff, looking down.
  "What's wrong?" Asks the man.
  "My parents car skidded and they fell off the cliff." Says the crying boy. 
  "Well this just isn't your day is it." The man says as he unbuttons his pants.


date_added: 2016/01/18 00:00:00
joke:
  I went to my doctor for a checkup last week.
  "You need to stop masturbating." He said.
  "Why?"
  "Because I'm trying to examine you."


date_added: 2016/01/18 00:00:00
joke:
  I was having sex with a woman last night, and she wouldn't stop calling out another mans name. Who the hell is "rape"?


date_added: 2016/01/18 00:00:00
joke:
  I don't understand terrorists. They kill themselves to get 72 virgins when they could just become priests and get them now


date_added: 2016/01/18 00:00:00
joke:
  Unsure of what to get your girlfriend for Christmas? Get her a pair of shoes and a dildo. If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself.


date_added: 2016/01/18 00:00:00
joke:
  To most Christians, the Bible is like a EULA. Nobody actually reads it, they just skip to the end and say 'I agree'


date_added: 2016/01/18 00:00:00
joke:
  Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.


date_added: 2016/01/18 00:00:00
joke:
  What's your name?", asked the teacher.
  "Mohammad," he replied.
  "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.
  " Mohammad returned home after school.
  "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.
  "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
  "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
  And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
  The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
  "What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
  "Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."


date_added: 2016/01/18 00:00:00
joke:
  What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne doesn’t come on a boys face until he’s 13.


date_added: 2016/01/18 00:00:00
joke:
  What does a baby look like after a minute in the microwave? I don’t know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.


date_added: 2016/01/18 00:00:00
joke:
  Why do Jewish girls like to fuck doggy style? They can’t stand to see somebody else have a good time.


date_added: 2016/01/18 00:00:00
joke:
  What’s the difference between a British man and his girlfriend? His girlfriend has a higher sperm count.


joke:
  I'm against abortion, don't get me wrong, I love killing babies, but I don't think women should make decisions


joke:
  How can you tell the difference between an Iraqi preschool and a Taliban outpost?
  I dont know, I just fly the drone.


